Answers from Expert: Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT

For the answer to this question from a guy's perspective I contacted my colleague educator and sex therapist, Dr. Paul Scuse. According to Paul, this couple has had to disprove the myth that: "a real man is ready to have sex any day, any time". It simply isn't so! Contrary to the James Bond myth, after saving the world, killing all the bad guys, dripping with blood and sweat, the first thing that crosses a man's mind might not be sex! Most males will experience erection difficulties at one time or another. Our bodies are not machines; they cannot be turned on at will regardless of circumstances. The most difficult organ to deal with in this situation is not the penis, it's the brain! Once a male experiences difficulty maintaining an erection, his brain often takes off - asking questions like: "What's wrong with me?" "Why can't I do this?" "Will it always be like this?" "Is this time going to be like last time?" As soon as we anticipate failure, we set ourselves up to achieve it. We put extra pressure on ourselves to make it happen. The problem is, the more pressure we put on, the more our body goes into panic mode - making an erection even less likely. The partner often asks herself: "What's the matter with me? Am I not sexy enough? Do I not turn him on?" This can put more pressure on him to prove that he is excited; and the most obvious way to prove arousal is with an erection. But does no erection mean no arousal? Only he can answer that - but likely he will say that he is aroused, even though he doesn't have an erection. So, the partner needs to learn to trust that an erection is not the only barometer of excitement. There is hope, according to Dr. Scuse. First, have your boyfriend checked out medically, to see if there are biological issues which are interfering with the erection, such as: onset of diabetes, high blood pressure, side effects of medications, smoking, excess drinking. His medical doctor can help to see if any of these issues, or the medications he may be taking to treat these situations, are compounding the problem. Next, the couple can talk about ways in which they can both give and receive pleasure, whether or not he has an erection. Each can discuss their "comfort zone" around what behaviours feel appropriate to them. There may be many ways to please each other, and an erection is an "optional extra" but not essential! It's always good to explore wider relationship issues. You describe the relationship as being "incredible" - excellent! There may still be some hidden, unresolved issues to be explored as you get to know each other longer, in a variety of situations. It is difficult to feel sexually aroused tonight if we are still hurting over what happened between us yesterday. Most couples find that so long as there are no medical issues, and the relationship is solid, then taking the pressure to "perform" off of the sexual relationship will help the erectile issues to become resolved. As they engage in non-demanding pleasuring, they will likely notice that the erection will return. Thank you Paul, and the best to both of you as you discover more about what works for each of you! Marion Dr. Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT Registered Marriage and Family Therapist Approved Supervisor AAMFT/OAMFT www.mariongoertz.com