Answers from Expert: Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT

When couples have been together for a really long time they can sometimes anticipate all the stress points in their relationship and move to eliminate them before trouble arises. Your relationship is still relatively new and so I’m thinking that maybe this rough patch is about not knowing how each of you have changed and how your needs might be different now than they were two years ago. Nobody likes to be taken for granted and frustration and complacency can build the tension to breaking points regardless of the love and commitment that a couple feels for each other. Sounds like you’re ready to invest some energy to see what’s going on here. Would your girlfriend be open to sitting down to clear the air? Start with some positive, non-confrontational questions that you both can contribute to and learn from such as, How are we doing individually and together as a couple? What do each of us appreciate about this relationship and what do we want to change? Perhaps one or both of you will decide that it is time to move on without the other person. Better to have had the conversation than to have all dialogue end suddenly leaving you with confusion and self doubt. Both of you will want to reflect on the transferable learning in this relationship for you about who you are and what suits you best before you make a choice that you’d like to last a lifetime. The fastest way to healing and being ready for the next good experience is to acknowledge your sadness and disappointment and, when you are ready, make every reasonable attempt to be grateful for the time you shared and to bless the other person for their journey forward. Not easy at any age, confusing and devastating while still in your teens. I admire your sensitivity to the changes in the relationship. Chalk that up as a relationship strength that you have. All the best to you as you clarify your next steps with courage and candor. Marion