Answers from Expert: Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT

Excuse me? Unfair to force a new baby on a five-year-old? Afraid to tell her about the new baby? Who exactly is in charge of your child-bearing here? The addition of a child is meant to be a joyous occasion with much celebrating all around. When handled well, older siblings usually take great delight in the event and proclaim protective ownership of the new little one. Your mother-in-law has a toxic way of manipulating and isolating all of you which has to stop. For some reason she has chosen to champion your oldest daughter, perhaps because of her own difficult past. That sets up your oldest daughter to feel victimized and disempowered and also your youngest daughter to wonder what it was that made her somehow the villain. Confusing at best, cruel at worst! How did her opinion come to matter so much to all of you? It is only one of many that you might, or might not, choose to consider regarding the raising of your children and the managing of your home. This is a private matter between you and your husband. Involvement by grandparents is a privilege that can be lost. As a grandmother myself, I realize what a special gift these little ones are in my life. And while one might feel a special attachment to a first grandchild, I expect their parents to make wise decisions and to call me on anything that isn't in keeping with how they want to raise them. That's their job. You did the right thing by challenging this hurtful and controlling behaviour by an adult. Hopefully your husband will support you in encouraging his mother's involvement in ways that don't necessitate your having to limit or supervise her time with them. Marion