Answers from Expert: Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT

This is a tough place to be for every mother, and it happens to "super" moms and the rest of us too! If your daughter has made a decision to be sexually active, it is a positive thing that she has made you aware of it because it gives you the opportunity to discuss it with her. If you do not believe that it is in her best interests to have intercourse with her boyfriend at this point in her life, you have done the appropriate thing in letting her know how you feel. It is understandable that you would wish her to wait until she is older. Would you be more comfortable if your daughter and her boyfriend were able to share some level of sexual intimacy that did not involve intercourse? If so, is this something your daughter would be willing to think about and also discuss with you? That being said, it is important for her to take good care of her sexual and reproductive health. Teen pregnancy rates have been declining in Canada for a number of years but this is a risk that always needs attention. The same applies to the persistently high rates of sexually transmitted infections, some of which usually show no visible symptoms that would make them known to an infected person. Hopefully, your daughter's physician will speak to her about the importance of dual protection against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection -- meaning using a condom in addition to the pill -- in counselling her about contraception. You can certainly reinforce this message with her. A boyfriend's claim of fidelity is not a guarantee of safety. Overall, it is important to let her know that you love her and want to support her in making good choices. If it is appropriate, you might want to share some of your own experiences and struggles as an adolescent. A listening ear and a non-judgmental heart will go a long way to keeping the connection between you open and encourage her to seek out your input in other important areas of her life as time goes by. After you have spoken your piece, your new role at this stage is to be available to listen, while quietly loving and affirming the person she is. Marion Check out the website of the Sex Information and Education Council of Canada (SIECCAN) for recent Canadian resources and information on teen sexual behaviour, adolescent sexual health, and sexual health education.