Answers from Expert: Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT

It is hard to see our grown children turn toward someone else to be encouraged, loved and supported and to know that our relationship with them must change. When I hear that there has been a relational cut-off of a parent by an adult child I tend to wonder more about why that boundary was needed in the first place rather than about the character of any of the parties involved. The grown sons are allowing the distancing to take place so, presuming that these women didn't raise wimps, they are either wanting some space from their mothers as well or are just going with the flow. While these mothers may indeed be lovely people, they may in fact be unaware that they are being intrusive or critical and the couple would be wise to limit their exposure to such influences. Distance and practical concerns may also be at stake. The couple will likely spend more time with the people that live closest to them, if the atmosphere is supportive and inviting. The point is not to be upset by lack of contact but to find supportive, helpful, no-strings-attached ways to stay connected. The couple's first responsibility is to strengthen their bond as a couple. Time spent with other family members needs to come second, throughout their marriage. Again, the couple needs to be respected and allowed to respond in their own way to offers of support or invitations for connection. This will go a long way to ensuring open channels of communication when/if grandbabies arrive. That is definitely something that these women don't want to miss out on! They should start now to be respectful and available but not intrusive, supportive but not controlling. A positive attitude goes a long way to keeping their name on the couple's invitation list. Being invited into our child's home and their lives is a privilege, not an entitlement! Marion