Answers from Expert: Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT

If you have a question for any of our experts, please visit our Just Ask page. This is a frequently asked question with no easy answers. It doesn't help to tell you to hang in there until you're no longer sleep deprived. Rather, you need to keep building bridges to intimacy that will help you grow old together -- "With two heads on one pillow," as my Jewish colleague would say. Encourage your wife to get a complete medical checkup to ensure that there are no lingering medical reasons for her lack of desire, such as low testosterone or the fear of a third pregnancy. Don't present the issue as her problem. The two of you, as a team, can resolve this. Talk in non-judgmental ways about what intimacy might look like for each of you given your schedules and the demands on your energy. Listen more than you talk. Help her with the child care and other household duties and regularly schedule in adult play dates that don't necessarily happen in the bedroom. Change the scenery; many couples report renewed sexual energy when their kids are safe and happy many kilometres away. Woo her all over again. Ignore any extra weight retained from the pregnancy and speak with clarity and frequency about what you appreciate most about her. Do this because you believe it, not because you're trying to seduce her; remember that seduction begins in the mind. If you've said or done hurtful things in the past, make amends. Her heart must feel safe and open before her sex drive will respond. Do yourself and your kids a favor: love your wife. Even if she is too tired or distracted to unleash the sexual vixen at the moment, you will have paved the way to staying connected at all kinds of levels and acted like the decent human being I know your mother would be proud of! Marion