Canadian Living: Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT

Is it normal to argue with your spouse, only to have everything constantly turned around and blamed on you? Every argument cannot possibly be one person's fault or imagination gone wild.

If you have a question for any of our experts, please visit our Just Ask page No one wins in the blame game and the strategy of finger pointing is decidedly unattractive after about the age of two. Each member of a couple can take at least 50 per cent of the credit for the conflict they experience, unless domestic violence, addiction or mental illness are involved. In such cases, having a logical, efficient exchange of views can be doubtful and perhaps even dangerous. Not much gets resolved if one or both people take offense and become defensive or offensive at the first sign of differing opinions. Each couple has a conflictual, reactionary cycle that kicks in if they aren't able to calm their own feelings and act in responsible ways to seek an equitable solution. One person's ways of handling stress will trigger another person's vulnerabilities and while one escalates into blame the other may disconnect and withdraw, causing further escalation and so on and on and on. It takes a mature person to listen more than they talk and to take responsibility for their part in a disagreement -- as well as moving to soothing themselves before conflict increases. So no, it's not possible for it always to be one person's fault when conflict occurs. Ideally a couple welcomes different perspectives in order to achieve the best possible solutions and to experience the richest possible perspectives on life. Marion

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Answers from Expert: Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT

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