Answers from Expert: Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT

If you would like to ask any of our experts a question, please visit our Just Ask page. It sounds like you are bothered by a couple of things: one, that he was sharing intimacy with other women before and during a very vulnerable time in your life and two, that your trust in him has been shaken. What you don't say is: has he changed his behaviour now that he knows how much it bothers you? If he has, congratulations, you have reached a new level of intimacy and connectedness in your relationship. If not, then there are larger issues at stake here, respect and trust among them. Studies would suggest that many women consider their spouse's viewing of internet porn very unsettling and rank it right up there with an actual physical affair. Internet chatting with other women about intimate sexual matters falls into this same category. The point being that something that is meant to be part of the exclusivity of a relationship between two people is being shared with others. If this is not alright with you then that should be taken seriously by your partner. If nothing changes, the options are: live with it and say nothing; continue to complain, becoming an unattractive, resentful internet cop; or involve a third party so that your partner is given every opportunity to be fully informed as to how non-negotiable the situation is, before you make a choice that he might not like. Marion