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Answers from Expert: Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT

Since our first child was born I have been depressed and less and less interested in sex. Now that we have four kids, all under the age of 10, I can't remember when I last wanted to make love. I'd give anything for an hour to read a book with more words than pictures, or go for a walk -- by myself! I am on antidepressants and I know that that can affect my desire but I think that I stopped wanting sex even before I felt depressed. Our sex life, before babies, used to be terrific and I miss that! My husband is a kind and patient man and I want to keep him, what do I do?
photo of Marion Goertz, DMin, RMFT
If you have a question for any of our experts, please visit our Just Ask page. Give this woman some air! Sexual desire is about having time to work up a bit of a lather, to build positive anticipation and to fantasize a little about being intimate with your man. Chances are that you have precious little time or energy to think about, much less do, any of that. Since pre-kids is a thing of the past and post-kids is still a long way off, let's talk about helping you manage all parts of who you are, including your needs to be intimate and sexual. First, allow your kids to experience other care-giving styles. Engage a sitter or enlist a friend or family member to free you up to have reflective, re-charging pockets of peace. Your physical, mental, relational, sexual and spiritual health depend on it! Continue to treat the depression under your doctor's direction and keep rest, nutrition, exercise, socializing and spiritual nurture in proper balance. As for being sexual, start with being sensual. Have a massage, soak in a scented tub, wear a fabric that caresses you softly, listen to music that transports and uplifts you. Get back in touch with your body and enjoy its movements. Unlike some of my colleagues, I don't recommend that you read or view pornography as most of what's out there, in my opinion, is contrived and objectifying and comes with a strong “Yuck!” rating. Write your own fantasy, starring you and the man that shares your bed. Get away from the hubbub, for at least a night, once in a while, just the two of you. It's amazing how a change of scene and nobody throwing up on you can restore your sense of sexy self-hood. Re-engage your passion circuits to stay intimately connected so that atrophy and its twin, apathy, don't do irreparable damage to your marriage and your self-esteem. It goes without saying that the risk of pregnancy can dampen one's sexual desire so decide what an ideal family size is for you and make it happen. Remember what made lovemaking so good in the past and work as a team with your husband to re-create that more relaxed, spontaneous, playful space between "Mommy" times. We're cheering for you! Marion.

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