Tips for parenting after separation

Making it work
We never actually sat down with Jonathan to tell him how it was going to be, we just did it; sometimes things ran smoothly and sometimes we muddled through. I admit that I did some things I would not recommend, such as the Toys "R" Us shopping sprees I slapped on my credit card out of guilt when Jonathan was upset. (I am sure Supernanny would have nixed that idea.) But I believe our planning has worked well, for the most part, because of the following five tools we used.

1. Consistency. If, for instance, Jonathan hadn't done his homework after school or dinner, then Steve and I informed each other to be sure that there would be no TV that night. As well, I used to keep Jonathan up late on Saturday nights as a treat, but since he never slept past 6 a.m., he'd be miserable on Sunday with Steve. So I changed the late nights and made him go to bed at his usual time.

2. Flexibility. When Jonathan had an event or dinner he wanted to go to with one side of the family on a night he was supposed to be with the other parent, we'd switch days on that weekend, if possible.

3. Letting go of the small stuff. I accepted the little things I didn't like but had no control over, knowing that they wouldn't kill Jonathan. So I stopped fretting about McSuppers or what he was wearing.

4. Don't let something fester. If either Steve or I had a problem, we'd bring it up as soon as possible. For example, when Jonathan, who was eight at the time, told me he had watched a restricted movie at his dad's place, I picked up the phone and had the conversation about it right away.

5. Monthly memos. Each of us kept a monthly calendar of everything that was going on (activities, events, parties) and planned things in advance. This became extra-important during the holidays, and meant we never had a blowout fight the night before Christmas about where Jonathan would spend the day.