Tips for parenting after separation

Growing with the flow
As the years passed and Jonathan got older, Steve and I had more meetings, adding items such as homework to the agenda once Jonathan started school. Some of these were sit-down sessions, but others were quick five-minute phone calls to deal with something as it came up. Is it OK for him to go to the mall with his friends? What mall? Which friends? What time? How is he getting home?

We still have meetings but more infrequently, and they are much more relaxed as Jonathan, now 15, takes more responsibility for his life. At the beginning of the year, the three of us sat down to talk about time-management issues, since there were a lot of things coming up such as a camping trip, a hockey tournament and academic commitments.

The value of consistency
I think that sitting down and setting rules for both households was the best thing we did for Jonathan when we split up. Because we tried to be consistent, he never played us against each other, which would have caused more stress in the situation. Because we handled the households the same way from the beginning, he never spent time and energy hatching up plots to get his way with one parent if it didn't happen with the other parent. He grew up with the same boundaries so that he didn't experience unnecessary anger and frustration.

To learn all about the needs of children when parents separate, and how you can help meet those needs, download Parenting after Separation: a Handbook for Parents. Also, ask your parenting and relationship questions to our family experts in our Just ask! channel. Dr. Marion Goertz has advice on defusing conflict with your ex and family lawyer Michael Berman explains what joint custody really means.