Tips for parenting after separation

Tips from Dr. Cathryn Tobin, pediatrician and mother of four
The biggest factor creating emotional turmoil for children in separated families is conflict between parents. When arguments persist, kids can become lonely, depressed, insecure and anxious, and can have emotional disorders that continue right into their 20s and 30s. When a family -- even a divided one -- works, the children can thrive, so it's important to rise above your emotions and work with your ex-partner to create a nonconfrontational atmosphere. It's not easy to do when you're hurt and angry, but it is possible.

Get support. The first step to reducing conflict is to make a conscious decision to do it, and to make it a priority. If necessary, get support through a parenting group for divorced parents, a therapist or a family doctor. Good friends and family are important, but they may be too emotionally involved to give you the objective advice you need. Look for a group run by a mediator, rather than joining a chat room or a group of like-minded friends. If both parents are determined to cooperate, going to the same group may be good, but it's not necessary.

Sit down to negotiate. Meet with your ex and discuss the important issues (friends, bedtimes, extracurricular activities, chores, homework, curfews, consequences). If you're having big problems with little decisions, then it's likely more about your feelings toward each other than about the issue. Think about what you're really fighting about: is it the issue or a power struggle? If you're arguing about whether your teen should be going to bed at 10:30 or 11, you may have to try and compromise. Mothers in particular are used to making the parenting decisions. Even if your partner has no intention of cooperating, your goodwill might be infectious. If you can resist arguing, despite your partner's attitude, your ex may eventually meet you halfway. Even if he or she doesn't, the fact that you're not fighting will be a huge benefit to your child.

Make transitions pleasant. Have regular meetings or discuss things over the phone, not at the door. And never argue in front of your children. Children of all ages are sensitive and will be hurt by your arguments.

Watch your words. Don't bad-mouth your ex-partner in front of your children, ask them to pick sides or confide in them as if they're your friends.