Beginner's dating Q&A

Beginner's dating Q&A

© Mitja Varela Image by: © Mitja Varela Author: Canadian Living


Beginner's dating Q&A

Q: Dear Karinna,
I haven't been in a long-term relationship for two years. I would now like to be in a committed partnership again, and am currently trying an online dating site -- but it feels a little "creepy" sometimes. Do you have any other suggestions to start anew and meet someone?
 -- Looking for a relationship, K.

Dear K.,
Good for you for making this decision and taking the first step again -- it can be daunting. Here are a few suggestions.

Online dating works!
As for online dating -- I have to say it works! I meet people in all age categories who have met online and are now in long-term relationships or got married and are really happy together.

If the online dating service you are with seems "creepy," try one like e-Harmony or Perfect Match, as they have a great reputation for quality matches. Consider whether or not you are compatible emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually with the people you are going to meet before you agree to meet in person.

Ask your friends
Especially those in successful relationships if they know of anyone you should meet. Then have them invite you and the other person (and maybe a few others) over for dinner or just have them set you up on a blind date.

Host a single's night

Every Thursday, for instance, ask all your single friends to come over to your place and to invite two of their single friends of the opposite sex for drinks and appetizers.

This is sure to bring lots of new people into your life and into all your single friend's lives as well. I believe in friends connecting friends -- because if you're with the right group of friends, they are people who share your same value system and will attract like-minded people. If your friends don't share your value system, I'd look for a new group.

Page 1 of 3 -- Learn how to develop healthy boundaries and avoid being clingy on page 2

Sign me up!
Engaging in a favourite activity, such as ballroom dancing, yoga, hiking with a club, joining a business club, volunteering for charity events, etc. are great ways to meet singles.

Look up a matchmaker

And lastly, try the timeless art of a local matchmaker, who can be very discerning and focuses on matching you up with someone compatible. Look one up in your area and set up an interview to get started.

Dear Karinna,
When you've just started a new relationship, how do you ignite passion and excitement without acting needy or desperate?
-- Looking for a little excitement, I.

Dear I.,

When starting a new relationship, take steps towards finding more passion and intimacy by measuring your partner's responses for the best results. Here are a few tips.

Don't be too quick to respond

It can be perceived as needy. For instance, you may go out on a date, which seems like it went well, so you ask for another date the day after. If the potential partner feels that is too soon and it makes them feel uncomfortable, their body language stiffens or they might say, "Let me see what my calendar looks like and I'll get back to you."

A better option to communicate your passion and excitement about the date is to say, "I had a great time. I would like to see you again. What about next weekend?" The date can choose to say, "That is good for me. I can't wait to see you again," or, "Next weekend doesn't work for me. What about Thursday?"

In the first scenario, you can see that the quick approach was probably too needy for them, or they need some space to assess if they want to go any further with you. In the second scenario, you are able to tell that the date is just as excited as you while giving them some breathing room and the opportunity for them to give you some feedback.

The same is true in each step of an intimate relationship. Being strong and passionate takes keeping your balance (meaning not giving too much or trying to push a next step too soon) and letting the other person give you feedback. This behaviour communicates passion, respect, etiquette, and healthy boundaries.

Being needy and desperate is behaviour that is too much, too fast – which communicates low self-esteem, insecurity, and being off-centered.

Page 2 of 3 -- For a list of top dating do's and dont's see page 3

Don't do this
• Calling two or more times a day (unless requested by your partner).
• Too much flattery.
• Telling all your past relationship history.
• Asking, "Do you like me/love me?"
• Trying to hold hands as soon as you sit down on a first date.
Saying "I love you" in the first three dates.
• Slobbering or grip-locking your date's mouth when you kiss the first time(s).

Do this
• A nice compliment or two such as, "You look lovely tonight."
• A call the day after a date to say you had a nice time.
• A hand-written love note once you have both decided to start dating.
• Tell your partner you have a surprise in store and suggest cocktail attire or the appropriate dress. (Set up a walk through a botanical garden at night, or a cocktail at a lovely museum, or to attend a concert.)
Read your partner's body language towards you. See if they want to move closer or turn their body away from yours. If they seem to want to come towards you
and you feel like it, move in closer.
• If the chemistry seems right between you, gently take their hand and see if they respond in a positive way.
• If there are mutual sparks, offer a passionate kiss and see what kind of passion they offer in return.
• Ask a new partner when you can call them again.
Enjoy courtship, trust yourself, and take each next step with passion and excitement

Karinna Kittles-Karsten is an internationally recognized love educator and keynote speaker on creating high quality LOVE in our personal relationships as well as global connectivity. She is author of the best-selling book, Intimate Wisdom, The Sacred Art of Love, and the creator/host of the popular DVD Sacred Love-Making. For more information visit

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Beginner's dating Q&A