How to overcome shyness when it comes to sex
Photo by Bruno van der Kraan on Unsplash
How to overcome shyness when it comes to sex
It's not always easy to ask for what you want where sex is concerned. And if you're naturally shy, it can feel almost impossible. But a fulfilling sex life is easier than you might think. There are a few ways to improve your sex life without being aggressive or going too far outside your comfort zone.
To learn more, we turned to April Masini, the dating and relationship expert behind askapril.com and the author of four books on dating, including Think & Date Like A Man (iUniverse, 2005). She shares six simple sex-enhancing strategies that even the most timid among us can try.
1. Be generous in the bedroom
One of the easiest ways to move toward a more satisfying sex life -- without having to spell it out -- is to lead by example. "A sexually satisfied partner is a generous partner," Masini explains. "If you take care of him, he's going to want to take care of you -- and then some." The more giving you are in bed (doing the things you know your partner loves), the more your actions will be reciprocated. "Be generous. It will come back to you," she says.
2. Focus on flirting
Don't underestimate the power of flirting and being subtly suggestive when it comes to getting what you want in bed. "Sex doesn't start in the bedroom. It starts the moment you part ways for the day," says Masini. Why not start the foreplay when he leaves for work in the morning? "Flirt with him during the day by leaving him romantic notes and sending suggestive emails and texts," Suggests Masini. It can often be a lot easier to be forward when you're not face to face, so let loose a little by putting pen to paper.
3. Dress to impress
If you're in the mood for sex but don't feel comfortable verbally saying something, you can get his attention by dressing the part, explains Masini. "Men get turned on by seeing you looking sexy," she says. This means trading your usual nondescript bras and underwear for something more revealing. "Don't even think about granny panties," she says. "You may have been together for years but that doesn't mean your lingerie drawer should have dust on it." To really get your point across -- without saying a word -- treat yourself to upgraded lingerie that not only looks sexy but also helps you feel sexy. Trust us, you'll get his attention without saying a peep.
4. Set the mood
When your partner is stressed out from a hard day at work, it can be even more difficult to ask for what you want where sex is concerned. But the right atmosphere can speak volumes. Masini suggests transforming your bedroom into a romantic retreat to highlight what you have in mind.
"Candles, music, flowers, fluffy towels and beverages can all transform your mundane bedroom into a love nest." The more suggestive the atmosphere is, the easier it will be for both of you to relax and enjoy yourselves.
5. Make him the hero
Whether there is something you aren't getting enough of or something you specifically want in bed, receiving it comes down to how you make your request. The reason many women shy away from asking for what they want is that they don't want to hurt their partner's feelings. Simply focus on the positive and build on that, says Masini.
"Tell him how incredible it is when he does X or Y, and that it would be even more amazing if he added Z to the mix. Take a positive approach rather than make him feel inadequate for not realizing what you want." Men like to be acknowledged when they do something that pleases you. "If you tell him how great something is and how incredible he is at it, you're going to see him doing it more often."
6. Find time for face time
In our digitally distracted world it's so easy to feel as if we're connected because we text, email and send instant messages. But the truth is that cyber time doesn't replace face time. Make sure you see your partner for lunch or dinner on a regular basis, and make time for romantic dates that get you out of your usual routine. "Get concert tickets or take him to a museum where you can kiss, touch and remind each other of your affection and your sexual attraction for each other," Masini says. "That attraction builds and makes the bedroom even more intimate and sexy."
You don't have to adopt a take-charge persona in the bedroom to get what you want. Putting in the effort to make your partner feel special and being willing to try new things goes a long way in helping you get what you want when it comes to sex.