While always having an extraordinary love life may be a reality in the movies – real life romance is especially hard with daily distractions like kids and cash flow – it is possible to make things better than average. As a result of our distracted, rushed lives, the average Canadian couple makes love three to four times a month. Why not do your bit to bump up this national average and have some fun doing it? Here's how to do it:
1. Set a time. Synchronize those schedules. Good things take planning, and some pre-thought shows that time together is important to you and will make intimacy more likely to happen.
2. Buy a book. It works well in the kitchen to spice things up, so have fun visiting a local bookstore to inform your mind and delight your body!
3. Bedeck the bedroom. Buy some new linens and add a new coat of paint. Consider a toasty, tasty colour like raspberry mocha to warm things up. Add a little romance to your bedroom to make it welcoming and inviting for both of you. Not too many ruffles, please!
4. Turn off the television – opt for the real thing instead. Move the TV out! Very few couples actually report an increase in satisfaction with the use of pornography and most television programming offers distraction rather than entertainment. Save your bedroom for rest, relaxation, romance and reconnecting. Find your stimulation in each other rather than in the distraction of CSI.
5. Participate in a regular emotional workout. Stay connected. Talk about what is left unresolved and work it out. A four-letter word for the purest form of sexual intimacy is TALK. Practise daily with liberal sprinklings of humour for best results!
Page 1 of 2 – Learn how the simple act of listening can boost intimacy between you and your partner on page 2.
6. Take it outside! Leave your worries and your critical spirit at the doorstep – focus more on being present and real and open and listen more than you talk. Show your partner what you'd like rather than shriveling them with a harsh critique for a less than peak performance.
8. Friction. Too much is painful and sex shouldn't be. Invest in a good quality lubricant, then relax and enjoy the sensations.
9. Feelings are a good thing. Let your partner in. Talk about those things that have hurt, scared, confused or delighted you regarding sex in the past. Be candid and respectful.
10. Seek freedom. Intimacy happens when both people are free to bring their most playful self into their sexual relationship. Discuss and respect individual preferences, taboos and lack of information.
You are the most amazing person, worthy of love and open to all the good parts of being created as a sexual being. Your partner is a precious gift to you. Choose them wisely and spend the years ahead learning how to open yourself up to good intimacy with them. Studies indicate that couples in their 40s and 50s who are in long-term, committed relationships are enjoying the best sex lives of all!
Dr. Marion Goertz is a registered marriage and family therapist. Learn more at mariongoertz.com.
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