The truth is that your decision to have that first drink is the only truly sober one you will make that evening, and perhaps all weekend. That is because of alcohol's ability to block the body's natural instinct to say "No, thank you." Only someone who'd had nine drinks would think that a tenth was a good idea.
Stick to beer
Of course, the best solution is to just drink water—or, if water is too strong for you, you could try Michelob Ultra. Not drinking alcohol is always the best option, but, hey, let's be serious. I suggest you restrict yourself to beer. It has a lower alcohol content than wine or spirits and even has fewer calories per ounce than those other choices. And as an added bonus the diuretic component of beer means you'll be getting regular exercise.
So the next time you go to a party, I suggest you take a case of beer. But before you leave the house, here's what you should do to help you make better decisions throughout the evening.
10 steps to making better decisions at a party
1. Take all twelve bottles out of the case and number the empty slots. At the party, make sure you drink the bottles in numerical order.
2. Get a small bottle of appliance paint and use the tiny brush to print notes at the bottom of some of the bottle slots (make sure the paint is white, even if your appliances are turquoise ones purchased in the late '60s).
3. In the first slot, print have a good time. It's a lighthearted, jovial message that will help put you in the party mood without massive injections of alcohol. Reinsert the beer bottle into the first slot.
Page 1 of 2 – Find Red's other tips for drinking responsibly at a party on page 2.
4. In the second slot, print you may not be johnnie walker, but you are now a walker, johnny as a clever and perhaps even witty reminder that you can no longer pass a Breathalyzer test. Reinsert the second and third bottles into their slots.
5. In the fourth slot, print you're not smarter or funnier than you were yesterday, as a reminder that you're deluding yourself if you think four beers make you more interesting or entertaining to the other guests. Reinsert the fourth and fifth bottles into their slots.
6. In the sixth slot, print—in larger letters—stop talking to members of the opposite sex. This will save you from embarrassment and/or yelling, slapping and legal action. Reinsert the sixth bottle into its slot.
7. In the seventh slot, use even larger letters to print stop talking to everybody. It's time for a break—for everybody. Reinsert the seventh bottle into its slot.
8. In the eight, ninth and tenth slots, insert bottles of nonalcoholic beer. By this point, you won't notice. This will give you a chance to rejoin the party.
9. In the eleventh slot, in capitals, print lie down. When the time comes, try to have someone there who can explain that to you. Reinsert the eleventh bottle into its slot.
10. In the twelfth slot, print "911." Insert your cell phone into the slot. Ask the police to trace the call. That's your ride home—well, it's your ride somewhere.
Editor's note: I hope you enjoyed these comical tips from Red Green as much as I did! Please remember to always drink responsibly.
Excerpted from How To Do Everything: (From the Man Who Should Know: Red Green) by Red Green, 2010. Excerpted with permission from Doubleday Canada. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced except with permission in writing from the publisher.
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