©iStockphoto.com/sjlocke Credits: ©iStockphoto.com/sjlocke
I have been divorced for two years now and have the hardest time dating. I am not sure what I'm doing wrong. I could talk to the men at my gym, but that just feels weird, and I usually only go to the classes where there's generally no interaction anyway. I was hoping, after reading books and seeing films about it, that I could perhaps draw the "energy of attraction" to me. I have been patiently waiting, but my patience is running thin. I do know I need to practice flirting. I have some kind of issue with that. (A road crew worker put a cone in front of my car today, just jokingly messing with me. Should I have given him my card?) Any suggestions?
- Looking for love, T.
What I am hearing is that you want to date, but that you are not meeting anyone who is inspiring you to take the next step. What I sense is that you need to put yourself into situations where there is a strong potential for rich interactions with available men.
Instead of trying to do this all on your own, I believe in asking for the help of your friends, family, and colleagues, as well as becoming a bigger part of your community, which will help to speed up your ability to find these great opportunities.
Call your friends who, in your point of view, have the most successful relationships and ask them if they know any dating candidates they could invite to dinner with you. Go out with colleagues and meet their friends. Ask family members who they think you should meet - often they have some great ideas.
Become a bigger part of your community. Here are a few ideas.
1. Join a neighborhood or municipal political chapter. This is a great place to meet like- minded people if you are passionate about your political views.
2. Attend a spiritual center or place of worship to meet like-minded people with whom you can easily begin a conversation with as you share your beliefs and perspectives about the world.
3. Try a "dating dinner" where singles meet each other over dinner to see if there are any romantic sparks. Check online for groups that set up these kinds of events.
Energy does attract energy, so I'm happy that you are working with the law of attraction. Keep it up! I also believe in putting yourself into situations where your energy is much more likely to attract the right person. The above examples will support you in doing just that.
P.S. In reference to giving the road crew member your card, be discerning. Have a conversation and tune in to his energy. See if this really is someone you would want to spend an evening with.Q: Dear Karinna,
After 21 months of separation, my divorce is scheduled to be final very soon. I left the marriage because my soon-to-be ex was unfaithful repeatedly. Now I'd love to have a man in my life but not just any man - my perfect life partner. I'm curious - what are your thoughts in that regard? I want a man that really gets me and one that I, in return, really get. I may be a fool, but I still believe in the fairy tale.
-Is there a man out there who really gets me? K.
I am very happy that you decided to terminate a relationship with a person who did not honour and respect you with his behavior of ongoing infidelity. However, I bless him -not only because he faces a challenging climb to a life of integrity (if he is even willing to make it) - but most importantly because by you knowing the truth he has set you free!
Now it is your time to discover what great love can actually look like, as well as be able to cultivate the love you are meant to experience. The most significant advice I can offer you right now is that you have to be willing to do two things for yourself: 1. Develop the lover in you and 2. Become a love investigator.
Great love relationships have these four compatible areas: Emotional, Mental, Physical and Spiritual. Check in with yourself to recognize which of these areas were present in your last relationship and which weren't. The areas that were not compatible are a good indicator of where you will need to start in your development as a lover.
The lover in you needs to be prepared for having great love. If you aren't, great love potential can show up in your life and then, based on your lack of skill and ability to give and receive love and share intimacy well, the relationship will fizzle over time.
Develop the lover in you
1.What did you learn from this last relationship?
Write these discoveries down. Use this newfound knowing to make this next stage of your love life a trusting, nurturing, loving and passionate one.
2. Where could you become stronger as a lover emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually?
Give yourself a plan to develop each and every one of these areas so that you feel rooted in confidence about sharing each area of yourself with a worthy partner before jumping into a new relationship.
Become a love investigator
Date Smart: When you go out on a date, utilize the wisdom you have developed to assess if you can share compatibility with a person in all four areas. Tune into your intuition and see if you connect emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Emotionally: Be aware if you feel at ease enough to share your feelings. Do you feel openness in your date's heart?
Physically: Be aware of the chemistry between you or notice if there is any at all. You will want it present to have a fulfilling, long-term and intimate relationship.
Mentally: Notice if you feel stimulated and interested in this partner or do you feel bored and tired?
Spiritually: Notice if you feel openness in your date and a "kindredness" with each other.
Once you get a "reading" with your intuition on these four areas, then you can ask deeper questions that will give you more important data on them, if this is possible.
Ask about what they are interested in mentally and spiritually. Notice how they express and listen to emotions. And physically speaking, what kind of relationship are they looking for?
This is very important because from what you have gone through, you want to know that someone wants the same kind of healthy physical relationship that you do. By becoming an astute love investigator, you will save precious energy and time to quickly get to a fundamentally great relationship for you!
Karinna Kittles-Karsten is an internationally recognized love educator and keynote speaker on creating high quality LOVE in our personal relationships as well as global connectivity. She is author of the best-selling book, Intimate Wisdom, The Sacred Art of Love, and the creator/host of the popular DVD Sacred Love-Making. For more information visit www.sacredlove.com.