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I am always eager to have sex with my hubby, but then I get bored quickly – even before we get started. I know I disappoint him, but then I also tend to think he disappoints me because he is always rushing and doesn't seem to care about my needs. Please help.
– Bored in the bedroom, B.
Most people wind up losing their passion and sexual interest in each other because couples often slide into "going through the same initiations, foreplay (or lack of it), sexual positions, speed, and duration" over and over again for lovemaking. Of course that's boring!
Think about an activity that you do every day or every week that you never loose interest in. What about eating, for example? Imagine if you were to eat your favorite food, perhaps roasted chicken and risotto, meal after meal. You may love roasted chicken and risotto to begin with, but if you ate it over and over again, I think you would absolutely loose your taste for it, your excitement for it, and your desire to ever eat it again.
The reason that we don't loose interest in eating is because we always eat different foods, cooked in different ways, with different kinds of added herbs and spices – the differences, the additions, the sweet surprises, and even the new atmospheres we can find ourselves dining in is what makes us never tire of it.
I believe that mechanical, impersonalized, dull sex will not provide the proper nutrition to our bodies, hearts, minds, and spirits – nor the energy needed to enrich our most important relationship.
The most important thing? Variety.
A few more tips:
• Don't assume you know what to do to please your lover. Have you ever stopped and said to your lover, "Let's talk about what we really need to feel excited, inspired, and pleasured in our sex life?" Be really curious and ask about what it is that they find pleasing and want more of. Take the initiative to explore those things and don't be afraid to ask if they like what you are doing.
• Once you know what it is that your lover likes and wants, educate yourself and enhance your skill-set by watching tasteful sex educational DVDs, reading books that inspire you to grow sexually, and listen to a trusted friend about activities they have tried.
• Do it differently. Be creative – add different flavors, spices, and activities to your sex life on a regular basis.
• Bring the "inspired and creative lover" in you forward. Care enough to be a new lover. Dare yourself to take new initiatives. Plan. Play. Delight.
• Advanced Variety – Design a new road map for you both to explore in the bedroom together and take a lot of test drives!
Q: Dear Karinna,
I am trying to figure out if my boyfriend is just not into me, or if it's sex in general. He says he's getting older and things are not working like they should. And if I don't initiate it, it will not happen, which is really making me lose my self-esteem and my libido. I am feeling unattractive. I think sometimes he is shy or afraid of intimacy. He has tried to reassure me it's not me, it's him, but I don't believe him. Can you help me figure out what is going on here? Do men who were really sexual when they were younger really lose it when they get older?
Is my man just not sexually into me? – C.
Men and women can lose their sex drive for different reasons. And if your boyfriend is telling you it is him because things are not working properly, it is probably true.
But, that doesn't mean you two cannot have incredible intimacy and sex again – you can.
From what he has communicated, there is something going on with him that is not allowing him to feel confident or eager to initiate sex. It doesn't necessarily have to do with age.
For instance, it could be that he is going through something at work. Perhaps that is translating into some self-esteem issues surfacing as he is getting closer with you in the relationship. He may feel insecurities about who he is as a man and wonder if he can give you what you want and need.
Our sense of well-being is not separate from how we respond in the bedroom. Our intimate actions and non-actions come out of feeling confident and good about ourselves as well as our comfort level in sharing ourselves fully with our partner.
My thought is that he is feeling a change in his life.
It could be in his external life as I mentioned before, or it could also be in his internal life – such as his body not having the kind of instant erection he once did. Either way, these things can make him feel out of control or uncomfortable sexually. And it sounds as if he doesn't know what to do about it.
The key for both of you is to not get trapped in a guilt trip.
My opinion is that you both need to address your feelings of insecurity about being intimate with one another. Bring the real issues out in the open together. Don't be afraid to process your emotions – this could be incredibly healing and liberating. But remember to do that without placing or taking the blame.
Karinna Kittles-Karsten is an internationally recognized love educator and keynote speaker on creating high quality LOVE in our personal relationships as well as global connectivity. She is author of the best-selling book, Intimate Wisdom, The Sacred Art of Love, and the creator/host of the popular DVD Sacred Love-Making. For more information visit www.sacredlove.com.
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