Q&A: The heartache of breakups
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Q&A: The heartache of breakups
I met an awesome man who had recently separated from his wife. She left him after 17 years together. I myself was separated from an 11-year relationship. We both have eight-year-old daughters and are both going through divorces now. But in the 10 months that we've known each other, he has pulled away twice. We have an incredible connection. I want to be a part of his life and he wants to be part of mine. The problem is that he has now pulled away again. He says he needs his space and does not want a relationship, but wants to remain friends.
I totally understand where he is at in his life but I miss him, our previous closeness when talking, and our intimacy. What can I do to let my deep feelings of love for him go?
- I want to be more than friends, B.
It sounds like you were both in the right place at the right time to be there for each other at the end of a significant relationship for each of you. For that you will always feel love for this person.
The issue is that when you have sex with someone, it is like applying superglue and it can be incredibly painful to disengage when the other person lets you know that it is not the kind of relationship they want to share any more.
In terms of how to let your feelings go, here are my suggestions:
1.First, honor and give thanks for what the relationship has provided. But I would suggest disengaging from him altogether because hoping for more when he has already said no is torture - and will only serve to totally do a number on your self-esteem.
2.Don't put your life on hold. Go out and live life and meet others who are available. This will revive your energy and naturally help you release your feelings that are not being met by this man.
3.That's not to say that you have to stay away from each other forever, but give it three to six months at least and then agree to get together and have tea, lunch, or a walk and see if you then both want to be friends.
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Q: Dear Karinna,
I was in a long-distance relationship until my guy broke up with me, saying we still don't know each other. I just set him free because that's what he wanted. But how can I overcome this heartache of mine, knowing that we both love each other? What should I do? Is there any chance that he will come back to me? And if not, what does that mean?
- Still in love, H.
A: Dear H.,
It is powerful to let someone go when that is what they are asking for. While you are feeling the heartache of the loss of this relationship, the love that you have shared will live on in both your hearts, whether it is acknowledged to each other or not. This is because intimate love is a gift that opens your heart that is yours - it can't be taken away. And you can tap into that space anytime you want.
Here are some tips to keep your head up through this difficult time:
1.Time heals, and with the more time that goes by you will be able to feel that pure love space without feeling the pain, hurt, or disappointment that the person who helped create that space made in you, even when he isn't there any more.
2.Just as you were able to let your partner go free from the relationship, you also need to free yourself from the possibility of your getting back together. That will only keep your psyche tied to him in an unproductive and unhealthy way.
3.Think positively. It's difficult to see now, but the ending of this relationship may be a truly amazing opportunity for you to grow as your own person. Just as you have set your former partner free, you have been set free to draw into your life an even more compatible and satisfying relationship that is right for you to grow in and be nurtured with even more bountiful love.
Karinna Kittles-Karsten is an internationally recognized love educator and keynote speaker on creating high quality LOVE in our personal relationships as well as global connectivity. She is author of the best-selling book, Intimate Wisdom, The Sacred Art of Love, and the creator/host of the popular DVD Sacred Love-Making. For more information visit www.sacredlove.com.
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