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While this often can do the trick to calm us down and get our relationship back on track, we have to be conscious of discerning in what instances we should choose do this as well and how often we should do it.
I have found if you frequently go to a confidante and complain about your relationship, he or she will often pick up the negativity you are expressing about your partner and start to get angry and dislike them. They may even mention what they don't like about your partner and ask you why you continue to stay in such a frustrating relationship. Suddenly you find yourself in the difficult position of having to defend your partner and the reasons you are in the relationship. This is not an enjoyable experience and can often build friction between your confidante and partner in social interactions as well as an uncomfortable dynamic between you and your confidante when it comes to your partner.
Your issues with your lover have now become your confidante's issues and they can find themselves telling others about what is happening in your relationship to release their own emotions about the situation, thus spreading negative feelings about your relationship.
You may think, "I just needed to share my feelings and release my frustration or momentary unhappiness and get some clarity on the situation because talking helps me," but what you have not taken into consideration is the impact that that kind of communication about your relationship has on everyone involved – perhaps even leading to more emotional dependence on the confidante, less connectivity between you and your lover and even a possible breakup.
1. Work it out with your lover first.
Whatever the issues are between you and your partner, the best place that you can start to work them out is with your partner. First, identify your issue and which area of the relationship needs developing to resolve it. Then approach the solution by taking the necessary actions daily to develop that particular area in each of you. It is like performing a daily workout routine to achieve the physical fitness you desire. It's the same thing with the resolution of a core relationship issue: you have to build and work new muscles to achieve greater harmony in a particular area of your relationship rather than being content with what often transpires, which is to slip into lethargic reoccurring arguments and discussions on the same painful issues.
2. Is it just an annoyance?
Choose to either let it go, or, if you do need a confidante's advice, try asking simply what they might do under the circumstances instead of spending a long time just complaining and venting your feelings.
3. Are you really hurting?
When your relationship is bringing you emotional pain, I recommend getting outside counselling from a professional. You can receive counselling alone or with your partner to help you work through the roots of the issue(s) and resolve them, which will help you to avoid spreading unneeded negativity through your social sphere and making your intimate relationship, friends and family suffer. Choosing the help of a professional counsellor will help you process your relationship challenges in a private, neutral and healthy way.
Karinna Kittles-Karsten is an internationally recognized love educator and keynote speaker on creating high quality LOVE in our personal relationships as well as global connectivity. She is author of the best-selling book, Intimate Wisdom, The Sacred Art of Love, and the creator/host of the popular DVD Sacred Love-Making. For more information visit www.sacredlove.com.