We are designed to be "relational" beings, yet we receive some of our greatest joy and also some of our deepest wounding in relationships. Many of us don't "do" relationships well. We make the same poor choices again and again, thinking somehow that we'll find true love at the end of a long, dark tunnel. Some of us may be wise about guarding our investments, even our time, but fail miserably at guarding our hearts.
Trust is key
We need people in our lives to affirm, support and challenge us. We need calm, trusted voices that speak in love and truth to stop harmful habits and launch new, healthier ones. We need the mirrors of self and social reality held up to inform and shape lives that are honorable and honoring. So how then do we identify and manage those relationships that go way beyond providing the challenges that make life interesting and move into territory that can be either unsafe or even insane? Trust yourself and those closest to you -- here's how:
1. Trust your head
Listen to what people are saying when they speak -- don't edit or give them the benefit of the doubt without clarifying true intent. Believe them when they reveal negative qualities and decide whether you can live with them or not. Forget about trying to fix them later. Distrust flattery that is accompanied with an attempt to control or manipulate you. Notice self-centredness and be cautious about broken promises. Use your head and accept that you are not meant to be friends with everyone you meet and that you certainly aren't meant to date them, either.
2. Trust your heart
A partner's mean talk that bruises your spirit comes from a place so dark and deep that you could die trying to change it. Many victims of domestic abuse were conned by spouses who appealed to their need to rescue a wounded soul. Trained professionals are the only ones who should engage with profoundly wounded people who are actively trying to pass their pain on to others. If you have asked your partner for greater respect and the attitude doesn't change, wish them well, head for the door and don't look back.
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