You remember the man you married: Mr. Right made you laugh, looked glorious in a tight T-shirt and left you humming Katrina and the Waves' "Walking on Sunshine!" as you bounced out the door each day. Has he been replaced by Mr. I-Don't-Want-to-Talk-About-It?
Ah, wedded bliss. It isn't (sadly) a thorn-free bed of roses, but a lifelong commitment requiring effort, sacrifice and – sometimes – teeth-gritting patience. Not to mention a whole lot of love.
Learning to be diplomatic in love
You may not have the kind of marriage country singers croon about, but you can if you treat your partner like a best friend and your problems as challenges requiring gentle diplomacy, says John Gottman, world-renowned researcher and coauthor of 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage (Crown, 2006). Based on those two principles and by studying thousands of couples at his Seattle-based love lab, Gottman has developed 10 love lessons that strengthen the ties that bind.
He says that when small, positive behaviours, such as expressing appreciation or honouring each other's dreams, are frequently repeated, they can put a marriage on the high road to happiness.
Two of Canada's most noted psychologists agree. Along with Gottman, Gordon Neufeld, a clinical psychologist and coauthor of the bestselling Hold on to Your Kids (Ballantine, 2004), and Sue Johnson, a leader in the field of couples' therapy and a psychology professor at University of Ottawa, offer their advice.
1. Complain constructively
Do happily married couples grumble about each other? You bet they do. But presentation is everything. If you seethe silently, build up steam, then blow like Mount Vesuvius, your beloved will feel like the target of a personal attack, explains Johnson. "When a spouse is angry and complaining, we feel threatened on a deep level by the one person on whom we depend," she says.
How to fix it:
Rather than stockpiling grievances and resentment, deal with problems immediately using clear and specific language. Keep your cool and describe the issue as you see it, but avoid sweeping statements. "Before you say anything, visualize holding your partner's hand, then talk about the things that are difficult," suggests Neufeld. "If you lose that feeling of being connected because you're furious, bite your tongue."
Read: 8 ways to fight fair for more tips on surviving arguments.
Page 1 of 4 – Learn how a little "me time" can help ease tension in your household on page 2.
