Which scenario best matches your sex life?
Adam and Eve have been married for 10 years. They're beginning to avoid apples because:
a) they're exhausted and spend all their free time with their kids
b) Eve's still angry Adam hasn't ever taken out the trash
c) they've been together so long it's getting a little, well, dull
d) Eve, to be honest, has always found things a little dull
If you empathize with Eve, maybe it's time to put the spark back in your relationship. Susan Jeffers, author of Lasting Love (Jeffers Press, 2005) emphasizes, "[sex] offers an intimacy that is very, very special. And without that, something is missing." Jeffers, an author of 18 self-help books, is a 67-year-old grandmother who celebrated her 20th wedding anniversary in August 2006. She reveals the joys of a great long-term relationship: "Let me tell you, honey, the sex only gets better."
For a lot of couples, of course, the sex only gets worse. Real life interrupts that mad, passionate love you had on your honeymoon, leaving you and your partner frustrated. Here are four common problems that can hinder your sex life, plus easy ways to fix the issues that stand in the way of your passion.
a) They're exhausted and their kids take all their free time
"Too often, children come into the picture, or work comes into the picture, and the relationship is no longer the priority," says Jeffers. "People are overworked, and they're tired."
The easiest way to make each other a priority again is to set aside time to be together. Incorporate one-on-one time into your routine by picking a set time every week, like a Saturday night date or a weekend away. Jeffers and her husband, Mark, take every Saturday and Sunday morning to themselves – even friends and family know they'll be "busy" before 11 a.m.
b) Eve's still angry Adam hasn't ever taken out the trash
"When I was angry and resentful with my first husband, believe me, I had no desire for sex," says Jeffers. In this case, lack of interest is merely a symptom of a more important problem. Lasting Love includes some exercises to address underlying issues that can make their way into your relationship.
One exercise Jeffers recommends is "the mirror": Think about what neediness or anxiety is making you react in a certain way, rather than focusing on your husband's behaviour. For example, when Jeffers's husband decided he wanted to go out a few times a month to watch soccer, she was resentful. Using "the mirror," she realized she could solve the problem by becoming more self-reliant and finding something nice to do for herself while her husband was away.
Another Jeffers-recommended exercise is being actively grateful for your husband; saying to yourself, "he still hasn't put out the trash, but I love having him in my life, and he's spent all day playing with our daughter." After all, a great relationship encourages a great sex life. Jeffers explains a dynamic she has with her husband, "I'm very attracted to him – but it's the love that makes him attractive."
Page 1 of 2 -- Could your love life use a little extra spice? Find out what toys to try to kick up the heat on page 2.
